November 5, 2022

5 Kick Butt Benefits of Connecting to Nature

NATURE HEALS OUR HEARTS

Hello Gorgeous!

A blooming body of research places evidence of the psychological, physiological, and emotional benefits of immersing ourselves in our natural world.

I think that I cannot preserve my health and spirits, unless I spend four hours a day at least—and it is commonly more than that—sauntering through the woods and over the hills and fields, absolutely free from all worldly engagements. – Henry David Thoreau

As someone who is close friends with depression and anxiety, (dont be jealous)I can say that there is absolutely no greater natural mood booster than hanging out in nature! For me, it looks like long walks or hikes. Sometimes I take my book outside and just allow myself to be. I also love watching my cats enjoying the sun.

I have always found this fascinating, this “I can conquer the world feeling” after a walk. Richard Louv, author of Last Child in the Woods has said that of the almost 1000 studies on this topic “point in one direction: Nature is not only nice to have, but its a have-to-have for physical and cognitive function.”

Nature in and of itself according to Positive Psychology generates a feeling of awe. When we are in awe (an emotion characterized by astonishment) we are existing in the present moment. Think back to the last time you thought WOW this is magnificent! Do you think you could be both marveled and anxious at the exact same time? No. This is also known as flow and is one of the happiest states we can ever be in. It means we are so focused on an activity that we are not thinking about the past nor stressing about the future. We are being exactly where the universe wants us to be. Here!

A research article on pnas.org, found nature to reduce rumination (the act of thinking and thinking and more thinking) which is highly linked to depression. In the same article, they share how experiencing nature also decreases the activation in the area of the brain responsible for mental illness.

Nature soothes our nervous system. The bird’s sweet songs, the ruffling of leaves, the warm sun or snow-capped mountains are all nature’s medicinal soal soothers. This has been proven by EEG tests. Our heart rate slows, our digestion functions optimally and our breathing slows down. We feel safer and it’s a break, especially for those living in cities, which is over 50% of the overall population. We all need to slow down and take a well-deserved break but those in urban areas have higher stress levels. When the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, it reduces cortisol levels that are heightened in the fight, flight, freeze, and fawn modes. In addition, our blood flow rises to the amygdala which manages our stress levels.

Nature Improves Human Relationships- When we are in a good mood we are automatically less aggressive and judgemental and more collaborative and compassionate. A positive frame of mind generates tranquility and for some even confidence. It makes me more confident for sure. Walking alongside your significant other releases endorphins that promote better sexual intimacy too. We are more apt to be vulnerable in conversation when we are walking side by side versus across from each other. This builds deeper bonds. All of these strengthen all of our relationships!

Nature Keeps us Healthy- Those who spent two hours a week in touch with mother nature (even spread out through various days) experienced a clear positive effect on their health. This study was led by Mathew White of the European Center for Environment and Human Health at the University of Exeter. It also lowers our blood pressure which intern improves heart disease. THIS IS THE LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH FOR WOMEN IN THE US.

Our relationship with nature is vital. Get out there!

Look around you, be intentional about seeing your surroundings, and acknowledge tiny details. Maybe a ladybug is relaxing dog’s nose, or a ray of sun flickering on the surface of a pond? Listen attentively. Can you hear the thunder on your way down the trail? What does the shape of the cloud remind you of? Which of these flowers can you associate with playing as a kid? Last night my son and me noticed a wonderful smokey scent in the air that reminded us that we are in Autumn, our favorite season. Such a small gift from mother nature, yet it put a smile on both of our faces.

Here’s to making it a point to become one with nature way more often!

Soothe your soul & get a coaching session at the same time!

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XOXOX

Irene

August 24, 2022

How To Make Friends As An Adult

Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives. This is according to one of the world’s longest studies by the Harvard Study of Adult Development.

Making new friends is scary. I do not believe there is a specific type of human being that feels differently. In first grade it made me feel like an awkward wet washcloth and the anxiety didn’t get easier as I got older. But… research is crystal clear that we are wired for connection. The quality of those bonds determines the quality of our HAPPINESS.

So, what exactly are we to do???

There are many benefits to getting older and wiser (they are not always linked but let’s pretend for the sake of the blog) and using our experiences to stuff friendship hacks in our fanny packs, is one of them. Below are some tips I’ve learned and some others from friendship experts and science-backed studies.

Make the First Friendship Move

While at work, in line at Starbucks, or at a party, simply smiling is a good icebreaker. Ask how they’re enjoying said place, how do they know the host, have they tried the new pumpkin Chai latte? Intentionally striking up a conversation or a word like hi is also a low-stakes option and a great first step. This has the benefit of a) getting you out of your comfort zone and b) helps to non-verbally express your openness to having a conversation. Remember. More than half the US adult population feels lonely, a study from Cigna health insurers found. This means THEY TOO would love to make a new friend. So initiate the friend date. MAKE THE FIRST MOVE! This could be with someone you met at a good friend’s birthday dinner and you both realize you have an interest in spirituality and astrology. This just recently happened to me, and I plan on reaching out to this woman for a coffee date. Weve already connected on Instagram. Small steps forward. You may end up meeting your future sister-in-law or traveling partner to you dream destination.

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Know Your Friendship Qualities.

There exist friendship superpowers only you possess! Maybe you aren’t even fully aware of them, but others most likely are and here are some ways to be conscious of them as well. Knowing this allows you to develop these awesome characteristics, and gift them to others more assuredly. When you’re sure of what you have to offer, you will be more confident to approach them with a sense of ease. Go ahead, ask the cute girl with the delicious-looking grilled branzino if she would recommend it. Here are some questions to ask yourself in case you can’t come up with your friendship qualities.

What advice do people come to you for?

What do you often get thank you’s for?

What qualities would your closest sister, friend, co-worker say you possess?

My Answers: I think I offer empathy, a calm space where friends can be exactly who they are, and a compassionate ear.

People ask me for advice on their love journeys.

I get thank yous for being there when a friend truly needs me. I’m still learning to be a better in-real-life friend.

Assume People Like You.

The biggest barrier to making new friends in adulthood? Fear of rejection. Turns out, that’s pretty common, and there’s even a name for this phenomenon: “the liking gap.” But research has found that after strangers interact, people generally underestimate how much they were liked. An Individual who has mastered the friend-making game, walks into new situations with the assumption that they’ll be accepted and liked. That’s what really facilitates them reaching out to others.

So, the next time you cross paths with a potential pal–whether virtual or IRL—believe in the power of your own likability. After all, wouldn’t you want to be friends with you?

Get Out There.

I hesitate even typing this since it’s a phrase that makes the hairs on my entire body stand up. But this is still the #1 way to potentially make new friends. It doesn’t mean you need to go to bars alone. Here are some ways I’ve found getting out there has led me to form new friendships. I met up with a friend at a restaurant for a girls’ night out and ended up building an acquaintanceship with the jewelry designer who happened to be sitting next to me. Intentionally saying hello to the blonde woman with the playful German Shepard on my daily walks. I accepted a pool party invite from an acquaintance and met Babs who later became a hiking and book-lover friend. Once I joined my hubby at a business garden gathering where the partner’s daughter channeled people’s energy on canvas, and I connected with an adorable heavy accented Spanish couple. I didn’t form a friendship there but in hindsight, I see this could have been an opportunity to get their contact and possibly meet up when I visited Newport Beach. In conclusion, accepting the uncomfortable feeling and getting out beyond your comfy place, may very well be the catalyst to meeting your next bestie! life coaching los angeles

Be Vulnerable.

Ahhhhh…..TRUE INTIMATE FRIENDSHIPS STAND ON EMOTIONAL SAFETY

Keep sharing your time.

As Oprah always says “time is our most valuable asset” so everyone knows that utilizing that precious time with another is one of the most precious gifts we have to offer.

Once you get to the acquaintance stage, keeping in touch regularly is key. For the soon-to-be friends, become their cheerleaders when they share something positive. Encourage them to smell the roses with you. Remind them they are worth the playtime with a friend. Come up with fun activities. If all the time you have is a 15 min chat at the corner bakery shop, do that! Remember an activity they mentioned they wanted to try and get tickets for it?

I absolutely need to adhere to my own advice. In recent months I’ve prioritized friend-time with people I love but never see. The same thought permeates my mind the entire time…why do I not organize these friend dates more religiously?

Staying in consistent contact allows us to get to know each other on a deeper level. It increases the likelihood of being vulnerable, which is one of the three principal legs of a real friendship according to Shasta Nelson author of Frientimacy. The second leg is a 5:1 positive to negative interaction. This is great info. What it means is that the best friendships have 5 x’s more positive exchanges than negative ones. People want to be around you more when you are uplifting. The third is the amount of time you spend together. There is research that says the more we see people the more likable we find them. This is called the Mere-exposure effect.

Interact with your potential new friends doing things that you both enjoy. Think about your friend’s super-power and make a point to compliment them on what is most valuable to them. EX: If your friend takes pride in her work, you can say something like “wow I have never seen anyone with this much dedication. You are going to be an even bigger success than you already are.” The idea is reflecting to someone in words or behavior the best in them. This goes the extra mile when they have forgotten how wonderful they are.

Signal Likability.

Rejection is terrifying. It results in never having the courage to risk it by showing anyone we like them. Monica Moore, Professor, and psychologist at Webster University found that even if we think we are showing people we like them, we really aren’t. She found it takes 13 glances for a woman to signal to a man that it’s ok for him to approach her.

How to signal well:

-Light touch on shoulder when speaking with them

-Smile

-Use their name

-Comment on their posts

-Ask them if they want a coffee when you’re going to get one

Find your Kindred Spirit.

weve all been told « join activities you’re passionate about lalalala… « And that is still top-notch advice BUT if going to a class alone makes you feel queasy, you can find your groups on social media. Love yoga? Follow yoga instructors that resonate with you in your city. Positively interact with their posts. The more you engage with them the more both of you feel like you have become friends. When you feel a sort of kinship, it will encourage action like joining one of their online zoom classes or iRL classes.

Support Groups & Group Coaching

We all have our vices, sometimes it’s hard to get the support we need. Fortunately, you can learn how to meet new people in your crisis via a support group OR group coaching. For example, if you suffer from an eating disorder, you can research then spend time with people discussing how to cope with eating disorders. Sharing our struggles in groups with others is therapeutic. We no longer feel alone.

I hope these suggestions were helpful!

If you would like more support on creating new or getting over the loss of a close friend or social anxiety, feel free to click on SCHEDULE TAB above and book a complimentary Soul Session with me.

Blessings!

Irene

https://CoachingwithIreneScheduling.as.me/?appointmentType=21011478

Book Recommendations

The Relationship Cure by John Gottman- This book focuses on relationships in mid-life with all the important people in your life. This is focused on emotional availability which is a pillar of all healthy relationships. The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your …https://www.barnesandnoble.com › Books

Here to Make Friends by Hope Kelaher, LCSW. This is a great book on how to move past small talk and strategies on how to build a meaningful community.

Here to Make Friends by Hope Kelaher | BookLifehttps://booklife.com › project › here-to-make-friends-7…

August 2, 2022

WHAT KEEPS 95% OF MODERN WOMEN SINGLE

Enjoying your life as a single woman is fantastic! And by the way, necessary for the universe to connect you to a healthy love match. But what happens when you decide you’re ready to share your world with someone, but have never mastered the love game or are fearful of it? Below are four reasons 95% of modern women desiring to be in a relationship are single.

You don’t make time

You are the professional rainmaker. Your execution and drive are exceptional. But we are all wired for human touch, companionship and warmth. And who knows, one Sunday morning sipping your cappuccino on the deck of your second home in Miami Beach, you’ll think…. WOW, I truly am a badass! And you 100% are! But you’ll also be aware an important piece of your life’s puzzle is missing. As we get older companionship becomes more important.

Consider creating a few hours weekly to get out and experience new activities. There are so many cool things to learn. There are co-ed dance classes, boxing classes, golf, reading groups, you name it. Imagine saying yes to attending a friends cooking class (you hate cooking) and low and behold your rolling dumpling with your future husband?

Making, stealing, whatever you have to do to add work-free moments-in group settings- will facilitate accepting dates you’ve been forced to turn down in the past. And, you’ll feel great about it!

Singledom Feels Fine

I am not saying being single should not feel fine. I’m just throwing out the possibility that you’ve convinced yourself that you’re happier that way. The only way to get a different outcome is to create a new desired feeling more powerful than the one keeping us where we are. When you have the freedom to come home from work, cook dinner for one, and watch anything on TV without compromise, it’s easy to want things to stay this way. Even if only on a subconscious level. You haven’t worried about factoring in someone else’s wants and needs into your bigger picture in a long time. The truth is, you sort of enjoy being able to focus fully on your amazing self. Here are some questions you can ask yourself for the discomfort of singledom to be just a bit stronger than the comfort of it. Many times that’s all you need to realize you can be both single and in a relationship and feel great.

1. In 10 years from now, how would having a long-term relationship increase your happiness?

2. What are 3 ways you could have both freedom and companionship in a fulfilling marriage?

3. What old false beliefs may be attributed to you not wanting to pursue coupledom?

EX:

A partnership requires a loss of freedom.

A partnership requires choosing I give up my successful career.

A partnership with both chemistry and true emotional safety does not exist.

July 27, 2022

FROM TRAUMA TO TRANSFORMATION

Hello!

I hope this long weekend was velvety soft or highly energetic!

Whichever you needed most

Your continued support reading, and messaging me on Instagram are priceless! Thank you.

I’ve been thinking a lot about healing and identifying and celebrating growth vis-a-vis trauma. The word trauma is splashed on every social media outlet, and thats fantastic. Thanks to many therapists and coaches like Mastin Kipp, most of us have an idea of what trauma is. But (I recently learned its ok to start a sentence with But ) if you’re reading this, I know you can benefit from distinguishing your healing progress as well.

Healing: Irene’s definition: managing your childhood wounds so they do not negatively interfere with your everyday life. Taking the driver’s seat. Like Thelma & Louise style before the cliff scene

APA definition: the process of alleviating or attempting to alleviate mental or physical illness.

Small “t” Trauma: an emotional reaction -usually overlooked- to a distressing experience or a series of events. Ex: divorce, relational conflicts, legal issues, money worries, infidelity.

Big “T” Trauma: an emotional response to an impactful event such as rape, natural disasters, war that effect one’s life in a negative way. If not treated this can turn into bigger challenges such as addictions.

As my mom once said, there is no quick fix, Irene. So, hang in there and keep making room for feelings.

Here are some telltale signs you’re successfully turning trauma into glitter dust.

You Fire The Liar– Instead of accepting the lies your mind is dishing out as the truth, you question them. Youve kicked the lying jackass to the ground. You no longer numb out. Examples Below:

· You talk back to your inner critic out loud or in your head

· You know that all feelings are transient. You hang out with them for a bit, then let them pass. Even if you succeed occasionally.

· You instinctively use learned techniques to come back to the present moment

· You reflect on why this particular liar keeps coming up and try finding a suppressed feeling beneath it (anger could really be suppressed helplessness, sadness etc.)

You Stop Isolating

· Hibernating in bed, with oily hair alone is no longer your go to resolution

· You answer your phone when a friend calls and don’t pretend you’re fine.

· You reach out to your elevator people (the ones that shoot you up the energy ladder)

· You open parts of your life with friends and family for the first time

· You stop equating asking for help with weakness and practice interdependence

You Neutralize Old Triggers

· You can listen to songs, visit places and have conversations that previously made your heart sink without crumbling.

You Begin to Trust Yourself More

· You stop needing others validation or opinions to make forward movement

· You tell your truth despite the risk of losing something or someone.

· You follow through on your commitments

· You stop being over-critical of yourself

· You stop trying to control every minor detail

So sure, lets continue hiking, being creative, practicing CPT and EMDR, but lets ALSO CELEBRATE how far we’ve come!

Blessings,

Irene Abbou

For a complimentary soul session please click the link below:

https://coachingwithirenescheduling.as.me/?appointmentType=21016838

Instagram: Https://www.instagram.com/irene.abbou/

PS- I am excited to share that I have begun work on my newest course THE MARGOT METHOD. It concentrates on unapologetically guiding you to self-worth and healthy love.

April 1, 2022

Do You Need to Grow a Non-Judgmental Attitude?

Do you ever find yourself knee-deep in a shit show of regret after being overly judgmental with someone? Each day we subconsciously make small critical judgements that can have some very big effects on our overall happiness and our relationships with others. We scrutinize Instagram clothing choices or lack thereof-, the car they drive, how quickly they accomplish a job, their intellect and whether or not they’re worthy of dating.

Even though we genuinely want to respond graciously, personal opinions can quickly veer into the territory of exploding brain matter, boiling blood and hurling slurs. This could permanently damage a relationship. The ego is conditioned to fight with word daggers since it keeps us safe, but it also prevents us from connecting. It prevents us growing.

Below are some ways you could be blocking healthy communication.

Looking down on a friend for their choices in (fill in the blank)
Criticizing your partner for not perfectly placing the dishes in the dishwasher
Second guessing a close friendship due to political differences

These reactions all come from impulses (responding without thought of consequences) rather than responsiveness. Vince Gowmon author of Let the Fire Burn, has a brilliant way of looking at it: “Instead of trying to stop ourselves from thinking judgmental thoughts, an easier way is to look through the eyes of wisdom and compassion”.

It only takes a nano-second pause for awareness to be acknowledged

Leo Babauta in his simple 4-step method to avoid being judgmental, uses DUAL

(and no, that doesn’t mean hand your sparring partner a sword):

Don’t pass judgment. We can’t assume what’s best for anyone but ourselves (and maybe our children–and even that’s debatable, just ask a teenager)
Understand. What’s their backstory? We can never know what unseen trauma someone has endured.
Accept (try to). We’re all doing the best we can. Yes, even your self-centered little brother and or emotionally numb mother
Love them…and yourself. This is not a “love is blind” type of thing where you stuff it down with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Loving someone despite the differences changes lives. It diffuses turmoil and leads to a brighter existence without unnecessary frustration. We’re all here to evolve our way back to our true nature–Love.

Here are some common impulsive reactions we’ve all been guilty of, and some response substitutions that are much more helpful:

❌ You aren’t doing this right

✔️This is different from what I expected

❌ If only you would stop…

✔️ It seems as though __X__ might be getting in our way

❌ Why did you do that?

✔️ What motivated you to do that?

❌ You’re wrong

✔️ My experience has been…

✔️ I see this differently…

❌ You’re lying. I don’t believe that.

✔️ I’m confused about…

❌ That’s ridiculous

✔️ I hadn’t considered that. How will that work for both of us?

❌ You make me mad

❌ You’re making me feel…

✔️ I get upset when…

✔️ I feel…

It takes effort to build a communication bridge between two humans especially when we haven’t dug deep enough to find commonality. The antidote is curiosity about the other person and where they’re coming from.

I challenge you

👉🏻👉🏽👉🏿 Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to observe your thoughts and triggers today. Notice when you want to spontaneously punch someone (call them names, push them into traffic) you catch my drift. Then…you have a very small window between your desired reaction and your actual one. PAUSE and take two deep breaths. Only then give yourself permission to respond with compassion or tell them you need to excuse yourself and take a ten-minute break. Release the constriction in your body so you can return to the conversation with poise.

Have a wonderful Thursday!

Irene Abbou

Im very interested in your thoughts and any ideas on new topics 🙂

You can always reach me on Instagram

Https://www.instagram.com/irene.abbou/