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CAN I GROW MY ATTRACTION TO MR. NOT MY TYPE ?
photo by:Brigitte Tohn
Hello My Passionate Friend,
What is it about bad boys that has us circling back like excited bees to a colorful birthday cake? No matter how many spectacular flame-outs we go through, most of us willingly put our hand right back on the flame. If this sounds familiar, you may be wondering: is it possible to be attracted to someone who is initially not my type?
We attract what we need to heal
There’s a deep, unconscious reason that makes it hard to break the cycle of attracting unavailable men. Whether it’s karma or energy, we’re drawn to heal our childhood wounds. And this is great but what’s not so great is how we go about it. A common way we do this is by subconsciously choosing the one partner that will shine a spotlight on our insecurities and fears. Yep. We choose an avatar for the parent that couldn’t see how smashingly magnificent we were. Basically, in a room of fifty-thousand men, we will choose THE ONE with a particular kind of torture in store. Consciously we might think we’re drawn to the heady confidence, or shared interests, and that is part of it. But what is primarily behind the wheel is our desire to feel loved by a parent that did not have the tools to do so.
“Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which remind us of how we were wounded the most.” ~ Psychotherapist Ken Page, L.C.S.W.
These love patterns can be relearned. We don’t have to sacrifice knee-wobbling passion either.
Bust out of that groove
Potential partners ebb through our lives and fall on what I call a level on the Captivation Rainbow.
Here’s how it works:
❤️ Level Red: The bad boys that leave us light-headed and speechless. We need no convincing of captivation for these men. They’re the ones that leave us eating pints of ice-cream in our P.J’s, but that sizzling passion is too irresistible to give up.
💙 Level Blue: The guys that completely turn us off leaving us COLD. Choosing them would make our parents nod with approval but we’d be pacing back and forth questioning our choice to forget chemistry and settle for a bitter taste in our mouths. We never want to do this. A compulsion to flee is never a good sign.
💛 Level Yellow: The progressive lovers. These are the men we weren’t sure about but gave them the benefit of three dates. The yellows will have a very fulfilled life, a healthy financial situation and will enjoy being the leaders- or the supporters if you prefer to lead with masculine energy. How nice would it be to stop doing everything for everyone?! It’s true, we tend to not have much of a reaction when we first meet them. BUT.. if there’s even a glimmer of attraction, fanning it into passion is a very real possibility.
Date outside your type
A balanced love story comes from the center and that’s true of this rainbow, too. When you date guys in the yellow zone of your captivation rainbow, expect a few things to change:
👉🏻 You’ll feel less inhibited and bring more of your true self forward.
👉🏻 You’ll feel more comfortable and secure
👉🏻 You’ll have more selection of partners to choose from.
Studies done at Harvard proved, we’ll even have healthier aging when our relationships are joyful. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/ove…. Heck yes!
Physical attraction is changeable
You’ve probably seen people like Chandler and Monica from Friends who grew their friendship into a steamy romance. What started as platonic grew into a massive sexual attraction as they discovered more about each other.
All you really need is a mere spark of possibility and at least some physical attraction. Then watch. The more you get to know a guy from the WARM zone, the more he’ll give you fuzzy brain syndrome.
Love after first sight promises to be the most reliable and longest lasting. When we do the inner work of nourishing ourselves first, we are more attuned to what will actually make us happy. https://thriveglobal.com/stories/3-relationship-hacks-for-real-love-right-now/This is different from what we THINK will make us happy. Our picker is waaaaay more intelligent. Remember, we are not buying the house. There’s no sense in getting caught up with the plumbing. We are a guest enjoying its welcoming energy and colorful pillows. New experiences can be a lot more fun than you think!
Steer away from the two extremes and look to the stable center. He may initially look like Mr. Not Your Type, but that’s a good thing.
After chasing the ones that leave you with a vacant stare, you may want a coach-slash-wing-woman to lean on as you make profound shifts. I’m here for you and would love to hear your story.
Here’s to troubles melting like yellow lemon drops,
Irene is the creator of the Happiness Within Reach program which coaches single, freedom loving women on the foundational skills of building a meaningful relationship with themselves so they can attain the love they dream of. She is an ICF, ACC Certified Personal Development coach who holds two certifications from the University of Pennsylvania on Positive Psychology and is trained in the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy. Irene is an advisor to the Keeepr app as well as a dating coach to the Three Day Rule Matchmaking Company. She is also an Amazon best-selling co-author of the book How To Be Crazy Amazing During Difficult Times and has been interviewed on podcasts such as Chat With Leadersand Beyond Barriers. Her mission is to remind women of their indisputable worthiness and capability of creating the extraordinary soul on fire life that is their birthright. Let’s connect on Instagram