Category: Relationships

November 12, 2022

How to be More Open Minded

 

On a scale of 1 through 10, how would you rate your open-mindedness? Are you usually accepting of people’s beliefs? Do you typically give a confused poodle look when others’ opinions contradict your own? Do you rarely say yes to invitations to new activities because your mind tells you there is no way you would have fun or relate to the people? Have I completely lost you with this interrogation? I have been there quite a few times. The pushback to being open is the fear of the unknown and the tendency to keep the same thought patterns most of our lives.

If you are ready to step up your open-mindedness game, I’m sure you will find at least one way that inspires you from the list below.

Be Social and friendly. You’ll discover being social will create the possibility for new experiences. Go to that belly dancing class your friend invited you to. Say yes to the girls’ road trip to Lake George, especially if a person you’ve never met is attending. The chemistry in your brain changes with new environments and new people. New scenery, new thoughts, and new people will allow you to try on a different personality. If you usually show your intellectual side, try a bubblier side. Be the carefree version of yourself! Walk over to someone of a certain age if you typically feel more at ease with those of the same generation. There is so much to discover from those much older as well as those much younger.

Contemplate a different opinion-Allow the other person to give their supporting arguments for their point-of-view. Listen with interest. Don’t focus on what your response will be. Could you be willing to try their opinion on for size? Could there be legitimacy to their perspective? How could acknowledging this perspective widen your social circle? Perhaps you hear an insight that you agree with but never crossed your mind. Creating an opening for a different view will make you a more conscious individual.

Remember our interconnectedness– Dr. Kristin Neff the self-compassion rock star/ expert once said, “When we’re in touch with our common humanity, we remember that feelings of inadequacy and disappointment are universal.” The false belief we are separate from one another, and nature is the primary cause of sadness. Every single person you meet is going through pain in one way or another. Pay attention to your word choices, they will affect people you don’t even know. Remembering this will increase your self-compassion which will increase your tolerance and flexibility. You will co-exist more peacefully and be a higher-value human being for it.
 Be Curious– What exactly does this mean? It’s a state of mind like dropping intellect, drive, and desire for knowledge into a drink. Then shaking it up like a mixologist for a more sophisticated emotion. Curiosity can not only boost one’s skills but can be the conduit for social bonds. This occurs by encouraging engagement with others’ smorgasbord of perspectives. It’s like a magnet for relationship building. As humans, we are more attracted to people interested in us than those interested in themselves. One study suggested that curious people have a greater ability to accurately read social cues. This capability has some amazing outcomes. It enhances our overall well-being as well as resilience to rejection.

Stay Calm– Being in a relaxed state increases the likelihood of starting any conversation in a softer tone. Your tone is a big predictor of how an exchange turns out. According to the Gottman Method, the way we start a conversation is the way we end it. Think of going on a blind date after a big business deal fell through and your three-month diet resulted in zero weight loss.  Now tell me how open this will make you during the date. Now think about having a productive day an easy day. In which of these two scenarios do you predict being open to listening and learning about the person in front of you? Correct 🙂

Being rigid emotionally and mentally takes away many life-changing opportunities. Be it making new friends, participating in new cultures and cuisines, and even reducing your sensitivity to rejection.

Sending light,

Irene

If you’re interested in my new Walk & Talk Warrior sessions or would like to learn additional methods of being-open-minded, please feel free to schedule a quick complimentary breakthrough session(link below) or simply say hello on Instagram. I love putting a face to your names and getting to know you!

https://coachingwithirenescheduling.as.me/freeBreakthroughCall

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November 5, 2022

5 Kick Butt Benefits of Connecting to Nature

 

Hello Gorgeous!

A blooming body of research places evidence of the psychological, physiological, and emotional benefits of immersing ourselves in our natural world.

I think that I cannot preserve my health and spirits, unless I spend four hours a day at least—and it is commonly more than that—sauntering through the woods and over the hills and fields, absolutely free from all worldly engagements. – Henry David Thoreau

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As someone who is close friends with depression and anxiety, (dont be jealous)I can say that there is absolutely no greater natural mood booster than hanging out in nature! For me, it looks like long walks or hikes. Sometimes I take my book outside and just allow myself to be. I also love watching my cats enjoying the sun.

I have always found this fascinating, this “I can conquer the world feeling” after a walk. Richard Louv, author of Last Child in the Woods has said that of the almost 1000 studies on this topic “point in one direction: Nature is not only nice to have, but its a have-to-have for physical and cognitive function.”

Nature in and of itself according to Positive Psychology generates a feeling of awe. When we are in awe (an emotion characterized by astonishment) we are existing in the present moment. Think back to the last time you thought WOW this is magnificent! Do you think you could be both marveled and anxious at the exact same time? No. This is also known as flow and is one of the happiest states we can ever be in. It means we are so focused on an activity that we are not thinking about the past nor stressing about the future. We are being exactly where the universe wants us to be. Here!

A research article on pnas.org, found nature to reduce rumination (the act of thinking and thinking and more thinking) which is highly linked to depression. In the same article, they share how experiencing nature also decreases the activation in the area of the brain responsible for mental illness.

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Nature soothes our nervous system. The bird’s sweet songs, the ruffling of leaves, the warm sun or snow-capped mountains are all nature’s medicinal soal soothers. This has been proven by EEG tests. Our heart rate slows, our digestion functions optimally and our breathing slows down. We feel safer and it’s a break, especially for those living in cities, which is over 50% of the overall population. We all need to slow down and take a well-deserved break but those in urban areas have higher stress levels. When the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, it reduces cortisol levels that are heightened in the fight, flight, freeze, and fawn modes. In addition, our blood flow rises to the amygdala which manages our stress levels.

 

Nature Improves Human Relationships- When we are in a good mood we are automatically less aggressive and judgemental and more collaborative and compassionate. A positive frame of mind generates tranquility and for some even confidence. It makes me more confident for sure. Walking alongside your significant other releases endorphins that promote better sexual intimacy too. We are more apt to be vulnerable in conversation when we are walking side by side versus across from each other. This builds deeper bonds. All of these strengthen all of our relationships!

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Nature Keeps us Healthy- Those who spent two hours a week in touch with mother nature (even spread out through various days) experienced a clear positive effect on their health. This study was led by Mathew White of the European Center for Environment and Human Health at the University of Exeter. It also lowers our blood pressure which intern improves heart disease. THIS IS THE LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH FOR WOMEN IN THE US.

Our relationship with nature is vital. Get out there!

Look around you, be intentional about seeing your surroundings, and acknowledge tiny details. Maybe a ladybug is relaxing dog’s nose, or a ray of sun flickering on the surface of a pond? Listen attentively. Can you hear the thunder on your way down the trail? What does the shape of the cloud remind you of? Which of these flowers can you associate with playing as a kid? Last night my son and me noticed a wonderful smokey scent in the air that reminded us that we are in Autumn, our favorite season. Such a small gift from mother nature, yet it put a smile on both of our faces.

Here’s to making it a point to become one with nature way more often!

If you are receiving this you are on my priority list and get 30% off the first session. Once purchased I will reimburse you.

XOXOX

Irene

 

August 24, 2022

How To Make Friends As An Adult

 

How To Make Friends As An Adult

Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives. This is according to one of the world’s longest studies by the Harvard Study of Adult Development.

Making new friends is scary. I do not believe there is a specific type of human being that feels differently. In first grade it made me feel like an awkward wet washcloth and the anxiety didn’t get easier as I got older. But… research is crystal clear that we are wired for connection. The quality of those bonds determines the quality of our HAPPINESS.

So, what exactly are we to do???

There are many benefits to getting older and wiser (they are not always linked but let’s pretend for the sake of the blog) and using our experiences to stuff friendship hacks in our fanny packs, is one of them. Below are some tips I’ve learned and some others from friendship experts and science-backed studies.

Make the First Friendship Move

While at work, in line at Starbucks, or at a party, simply smiling is a good icebreaker. Ask how they’re enjoying said place, how do they know the host, have they tried the new pumpkin Chai latte? Intentionally striking up a conversation or a word like hi is also a low-stakes option and a great first step. This has the benefit of a) getting you out of your comfort zone and b) helps to non-verbally express your openness to having a conversation. Remember. More than half the US adult population feels lonely, a study from Cigna health insurers found. This means THEY TOO would love to make a new friend. So initiate the friend date. MAKE THE FIRST MOVE! This could be with someone you met at a good friend’s birthday dinner and you both realize you have an interest in spirituality and astrology. This just recently happened to me, and I plan on reaching out to this woman for a coffee date. Weve already connected on Instagram. Small steps forward. You may end up meeting your future sister-in-law or traveling partner to you dream destination.

life coach LA

Know Your Friendship Qualities.

There exist friendship superpowers only you possess! Maybe you aren’t even fully aware of them, but others most likely are and here are some ways to be conscious of them as well. Knowing this allows you to develop these awesome characteristics, and gift them to others more assuredly. When you’re sure of what you have to offer, you will be more confident to approach them with a sense of ease. Go ahead, ask the cute girl with the delicious-looking grilled branzino if she would recommend it. Here are some questions to ask yourself in case you can’t come up with your friendship qualities.

What advice do people come to you for?

 What do you often get thank you’s for?

What qualities would your closest sister, friend, co-worker say you possess?

My Answers: I think I offer empathy, a calm space where friends can be exactly who they are, and a compassionate ear.

People ask me for advice on their love journeys.

I get thank yous for being there when a friend truly needs me. I’m still learning to be a better in-real-life friend.

Assume People Like You.

The biggest barrier to making new friends in adulthood? Fear of rejection. Turns out, that’s pretty common, and there’s even a name for this phenomenon: “the liking gap.” But research has found that after strangers interact, people generally underestimate how much they were liked. An Individual who has mastered the friend-making game, walks into new situations with the assumption that they’ll be accepted and liked. That’s what really facilitates them reaching out to others.

So, the next time you cross paths with a potential pal–whether virtual or IRL—believe in the power of your own likability. After all, wouldn’t you want to be friends with you?

 

Get Out There.

I hesitate even typing this since it’s a phrase that makes the hairs on my entire body stand up. But this is still the #1 way to potentially make new friends. It doesn’t mean you need to go to bars alone. Here are some ways I’ve found getting out there has led me to form new friendships. I met up with a friend at a restaurant for a girls’ night out and ended up building an acquaintanceship with the jewelry designer who happened to be sitting next to me. Intentionally saying hello to the blonde woman with the playful German Shepard on my daily walks. I accepted a pool party invite from an acquaintance and met Babs who later became a hiking and book-lover friend. Once I joined my hubby at a business garden gathering where the partner’s daughter channeled people’s energy on canvas, and I connected with an adorable heavy accented Spanish couple. I didn’t form a friendship there but in hindsight, I see this could have been an opportunity to get their contact and possibly meet up when I visited Newport Beach. In conclusion, accepting the uncomfortable feeling and getting out beyond your comfy place, may very well be the catalyst to meeting your next bestie!life coaching los angeles

Be Vulnerable.

Ahhhhh…..TRUE INTIMATE FRIENDSHIPS STAND ON EMOTIONAL SAFETY

Keep sharing your time.

As Oprah always says “time is our most valuable asset” so everyone knows that utilizing that precious time with another is one of the most precious gifts we have to offer.

Once you get to the acquaintance stage, keeping in touch regularly is key. For the soon-to-be friends, become their cheerleaders when they share something positive. Encourage them to smell the roses with you. Remind them they are worth the playtime with a friend. Come up with fun activities. If all the time you have is a 15 min chat at the corner bakery shop, do that! Remember an activity they mentioned they wanted to try and get tickets for it?

I absolutely need to adhere to my own advice. In recent months I’ve prioritized friend-time with people I love but never see. The same thought permeates my mind the entire time…why do I not organize these friend dates more religiously?

Staying in consistent contact allows us to get to know each other on a deeper level. It increases the likelihood of being vulnerable, which is one of the three principal legs of a real friendship according to Shasta Nelson author of Frientimacy. The second leg is a 5:1 positive to negative interaction. This is great info. What it means is that the best friendships have 5 x’s more positive exchanges than negative ones. People want to be around you more when you are uplifting. The third is the amount of time you spend together. There is research that says the more we see people the more likable we find them. This is called the Mere-exposure effect.

Interact with your potential new friends doing things that you both enjoy. Think about your friend’s super-power and make a point to compliment them on what is most valuable to them. EX: If your friend takes pride in her work, you can say something like “wow I have never seen anyone with this much dedication. You are going to be an even bigger success than you already are.” The idea is reflecting to someone in words or behavior the best in them. This goes the extra mile when they have forgotten how wonderful they are.

Signal Likability.

 Rejection is terrifying. It results in never having the courage to risk it by showing anyone we like them. Monica Moore, Professor, and psychologist at Webster University found that even if we think we are showing people we like them, we really aren’t. She found it takes 13 glances for a woman to signal to a man that it’s ok for him to approach her.

How to signal well:

-Light touch on shoulder when speaking with them

-Smile

-Use their name

-Comment on their posts

-Ask them if they want a coffee when you’re going to get one

Find your Kindred Spirit.

weve all been told « join activities you’re passionate about lalalala… « And that is still top-notch advice BUT if going to a class alone makes you feel queasy, you can find your groups on social media. Love yoga? Follow yoga instructors that resonate with you in your city. Positively interact with their posts. The more you engage with them the more both of you feel like you have become friends. When you feel a sort of kinship, it will encourage action like joining one of their online zoom classes or iRL classes.

Support Groups & Group Coaching

We all have our vices, sometimes it’s hard to get the support we need. Fortunately, you can learn how to meet new people in your crisis via a support group OR group coaching. For example, if you suffer from an eating disorder, you can research then spend time with people discussing how to cope with eating disorders. Sharing our struggles in groups with others is therapeutic. We no longer feel alone.

I hope these suggestions were helpful!

If you would like more support on creating new or getting over the loss of a close friend or social anxiety, feel free to click on SCHEDULE  TAB above and book a complimentary Soul Session with me.

Blessings!

Irene

https://CoachingwithIreneScheduling.as.me/?appointmentType=21011478

Book Recommendations

The Relationship Cure by John Gottman- This book focuses on relationships in mid-life with all the important people in your life. This is focused on emotional availability which is a pillar of all healthy relationships. The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your …https://www.barnesandnoble.com › Books

Here to Make Friends by Hope Kelaher, LCSW. This is a great book on how to move past small talk and strategies on how to build a meaningful community.

Here to Make Friends by Hope Kelaher | BookLifehttps://booklife.com › project › here-to-make-friends-7…

August 2, 2022

WHAT KEEPS 95% OF MODERN WOMEN SINGLE

Enjoying your life as a single woman is fantastic! And by the way, necessary for the universe to connect you to a healthy love match. But what happens when you decide you’re ready to share your world with someone, but have never mastered the love game or are fearful of it? Below are four reasons 95% of modern women desiring to be in a relationship are single.

You don’t make time

You are the professional rainmaker. Your execution and drive are exceptional. But we are all wired for human touch, companionship and warmth. And who knows, one Sunday morning sipping your cappuccino on the deck of your second home in Miami Beach, you’ll think…. WOW, I truly am a badass! And you 100% are! But you’ll also be aware an important piece of your life’s puzzle is missing. As we get older companionship becomes more important.

Consider creating a few hours weekly to get out and experience new activities. There are so many cool things to learn. There are co-ed dance classes, boxing classes, golf, reading groups, you name it. Imagine saying yes to attending a friends cooking class (you hate cooking) and low and behold your rolling dumpling with your future husband?

Making, stealing, whatever you have to do to add work-free moments-in group settings- will facilitate accepting dates you’ve been forced to turn down in the past. And, you’ll feel great about it!

Singledom Feels Fine

I am not saying being single should not feel fine. I’m just throwing out the possibility that you’ve convinced yourself that you’re happier that way. The only way to get a different outcome is to create a new desired feeling more powerful than the one keeping us where we are. When you have the freedom to come home from work, cook dinner for one, and watch anything on TV without compromise, it’s easy to want things to stay this way. Even if only on a subconscious level. You haven’t worried about factoring in someone else’s wants and needs into your bigger picture in a long time. The truth is, you sort of enjoy being able to focus fully on your amazing self. Here are some questions you can ask yourself for the discomfort of singledom to be just a bit stronger than the comfort of it. Many times that’s all you need to realize you can be both single and in a relationship and feel great.

1. In 10 years from now, how would having a long-term relationship increase your happiness?

2. What are 3 ways you could have both freedom and companionship in a fulfilling marriage?

3. What old false beliefs may be attributed to you not wanting to pursue coupledom?

EX:

A partnership requires a loss of freedom.

A partnership requires choosing I give up my successful career.

A partnership with both chemistry and true emotional safety does not exist.​

July 26, 2022

CAN I GROW MY ATTRACTION TO MR. NOT MY TYPE ?

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CAN I GROW MY ATTRACTION TO MR. NOT MY TYPE ?

photo by:Brigitte Tohn

Hello My Passionate Friend,

What is it about bad boys that has us circling back like excited bees to a colorful birthday cake? No matter how many spectacular flame-outs we go through, most of us willingly put our hand right back on the flame. If this sounds familiar, you may be wondering: is it possible to be attracted to someone who is initially not my type?

We attract what we need to heal

There’s a deep, unconscious reason that makes it hard to break the cycle of attracting unavailable men. Whether it’s karma or energy, we’re drawn to heal our childhood wounds. And this is great but what’s not so great is how we go about it. A common way we do this is by subconsciously choosing the one partner that will shine a spotlight on our insecurities and fears. Yep. We choose an avatar for the parent that couldn’t see how smashingly magnificent we were. Basically, in a room of fifty-thousand men, we will choose THE ONE with a particular kind of torture in store. Consciously we might think we’re drawn to the heady confidence, or shared interests, and that is part of it. But what is primarily behind the wheel is our desire to feel loved by a parent that did not have the tools to do so.

“Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which remind us of how we were wounded the most.” ~ Psychotherapist Ken Page, L.C.S.W.

These love patterns can be relearned. We don’t have to sacrifice knee-wobbling passion either.

Bust out of that groove

Potential partners ebb through our lives and fall on what I call a level on the Captivation Rainbow.

Here’s how it works:

❤️ Level Red: The bad boys that leave us light-headed and speechless. We need no convincing of captivation for these men. They’re the ones that leave us eating pints of ice-cream in our P.J’s, but that sizzling passion is too irresistible to give up.

💙 Level Blue: The guys that completely turn us off leaving us COLD. Choosing them would make our parents nod with approval but we’d be pacing back and forth questioning our choice to forget chemistry and settle for a bitter taste in our mouths. We never want to do this. A compulsion to flee is never a good sign.

💛 Level Yellow: The progressive lovers. These are the men we weren’t sure about but gave them the benefit of three dates. The yellows will have a very fulfilled life, a healthy financial situation and will enjoy being the leaders- or the supporters if you prefer to lead with masculine energy. How nice would it be to stop doing everything for everyone?! It’s true, we tend to not have much of a reaction when we first meet them. BUT.. if there’s even a glimmer of attraction, fanning it into passion is a very real possibility.

Date outside your type

A balanced love story comes from the center and that’s true of this rainbow, too. When you date guys in the yellow zone of your captivation rainbow, expect a few things to change:

👉🏻 You’ll feel less inhibited and bring more of your true self forward.

👉🏻 You’ll feel more comfortable and secure

👉🏻 You’ll have more selection of partners to choose from.

Studies done at Harvard proved, we’ll even have healthier aging when our relationships are joyful. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/ove…. Heck yes!

Physical attraction is changeable

You’ve probably seen people like Chandler and Monica from Friends who grew their friendship into a steamy romance. What started as platonic grew into a massive sexual attraction as they discovered more about each other.

All you really need is a mere spark of possibility and at least some physical attraction. Then watch. The more you get to know a guy from the WARM zone, the more he’ll give you fuzzy brain syndrome.

Love after first sight promises to be the most reliable and longest lasting. When we do the inner work of nourishing ourselves first, we are more attuned to what will actually make us happy. https://thriveglobal.com/stories/3-relationship-hacks-for-real-love-right-now/This is different from what we THINK will make us happy. Our picker is waaaaay more intelligent. Remember, we are not buying the house. There’s no sense in getting caught up with the plumbing. We are a guest enjoying its welcoming energy and colorful pillows. New experiences can be a lot more fun than you think!

Steer away from the two extremes and look to the stable center. He may initially look like Mr. Not Your Type, but that’s a good thing.

After chasing the ones that leave you with a vacant stare, you may want a coach-slash-wing-woman to lean on as you make profound shifts. I’m here for you and would love to hear your story.

Here’s to troubles melting like yellow lemon drops,

Irene

Irene is the creator of the Happiness Within Reach program which coaches single, freedom loving women on the foundational skills of building a meaningful relationship with themselves so they can attain the love they dream of. She is an ICF, ACC Certified Personal Development coach who holds two certifications from the University of Pennsylvania on Positive Psychology and is trained in the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy. Irene is an advisor to the Keeepr app as well as a dating coach to the Three Day Rule Matchmaking Company. She is also an Amazon best-selling co-author of the book How To Be Crazy Amazing During Difficult Times and has been interviewed on podcasts such as Chat With Leadersand Beyond Barriers. Her mission is to remind women of their indisputable worthiness and capability of creating the extraordinary soul on fire life that is their birthright. Let’s connect on Instagram